Vulnerability
by defying3reason
Summary: Cheshire has a harder time than expected saying goodbye to motherhood. Pre-boot fic. Prequel to my larger fic, Birds and Bees (though it's not necessary to read that lumbering monster of a fic to understand this one).


Lian was four months old when Jade bundled her up, kissed her forehead, and gave her away to her father. It was one of the most difficult moments in Jade's life, for a variety of reasons.

She spent the next several weeks in seclusion, working through her feelings and doing her best to eliminate them so they couldn't be used against her at a later date. She did a thorough job suppressing the emotional attachment she'd felt for Roy Harper, but the motherly affection she felt for Lian wouldn't wane.

Jade supposed it really didn't need to. She'd enjoyed taking care of her pretty little daughter, but in the end she'd given Lian to Roy to raise. It would be better for the girl.

It was the first unselfish thing Jade had done in her life, and it hurt.

* * *

Lian was six months old when Jade made her first excursion to the United States to check on her.

Of course, she didn't inform anyone of her visit. She figured out where Roy was living on her own, and while he was away she broke into his apartment to see what kind of environment he'd established for their daughter.

Jade was not pleased with what she found.

She crawled in through the kitchen window, and was tempted to crawl right back out again. The sink was full to bursting with dirty dishes, but so was the dishwasher. The highchair was caked with crusted over baby food that had clearly been rejected by Lian, who, though generally an easy baby, was a fussy eater.

Jade opened the fridge and frowned at the contents. It was well stocked with baby food and formula, but she had to wonder what Roy was living off of. Other than some condiments, a carton of expired orange juice, and some leftover Chinese food, there really wasn't much to it.

She shut the fridge and made her way to the kitchen table where she found more dirty dishes, a washcloth, and stacks of books on childcare. Jade picked up a copy of The Baby Book and flipped through it. There were highlights everywhere, and the occasional note written in cramped, messy writing.

Jade set the book down and continued to the living room. Again, it was messy, but less alarmingly so than the kitchen. There was an abundance of children's books and movies, a baby bouncer, and a clear spot of floor with a blanket and some soft stuffed toys on it. She also found a guitar propped up in a corner behind the couch, and a few other negligible signs of the adult male who lived with the child.

She poked her head into the nursery, and found it to be the tidiest room in the apartment so far. It was well furnished, and well stocked with changes of clothes, diapers, toys, and more children's books.

Her eyes lingered on the rocking chair pulled up to the crib, and for a moment Jade was overcome with a sense of longing she couldn't quite explain. She imaged Roy sitting in that chair, playing lullabies to their pretty daughter with the guitar she'd seen in the living room. It was a pleasant enough thought, so why was it making her feel so…empty?

She gave herself a little shake, then continued her inspection. The bathroom was in need of a good scrub, but Roy had the acceptable first aid and hygiene products on hand to take care of the baby. Satisfied, she made her way into the last room.

Well, this was by far the dirtiest of the lot.

All of the bedding on Roy's bed had been kicked to the foot, so that he was essentially sleeping on an old mattress. The floor was invisible from all the dirty laundry piled on it, and every available surface was crowded with more books on childcare, empty beer bottles, and erotic magazines. Jade gave a disdainful sniff, then slammed the door shut.

At least Harper had the decency to keep his filth away from Lian.

Jade paced through the empty apartment for a few minutes, trying to decide what to do.

Clearly Harper was having a difficult time adjusting to fatherhood. He was likely short on time, as he was attempting to juggle raising Lian with superheroics, and he must have to earn an income somehow. At least he seemed to be putting Lian before anything else. That was what Jade had wanted to see.

He just needed a little help. She could certainly oblige him.

Jade spent the next few hours doing Roy's laundry (even his, not just Lian's), washing dishes, and scrubbing all surfaces clean. She went so far as to make his bed, and she finished it off by doing a thorough grocery shop.

Jade took one last look at her daughter's home, entertained a brief fantasy of staying long enough to kiss the girl, and then left the way she'd come in.

* * *

Jade repeated her visits every few months, occasionally sooner if she felt a particular longing to know something about her daughter. She always waited until the apartment was empty, so her knowledge came from pictures and the changing furnishings and belongings in the little home.

She knew Roy had probably figured out what she was doing, but this was confirmed some months later while she was tidying up the living room and found a pastel green envelope sitting on the coffee table. Jade was going to put it in the kitchen, where she'd been placing the other mail, but then she noticed that the envelope was labeled 'Mommy'.

Jade opened it and extracted a mother's day card. There was a picture of Lian inside, holding a flower in her chubby fist. The dried flower had been pressed into the card, and there was a brief note. "Thanks for all the help. Our little Peanut appreciates it."

Jade clutched the card to her chest and closed her eyes, willing the emotions away. This was an incredibly exploitable weakness and she…she couldn't…

She really missed her child.

After she finished cleaning the apartment as normal, Jade went shopping to restock what needed to be restocked and purchased Roy some easily prepared meals (as the months passed and he gained parenting experience, he'd gotten better at feeding himself, but it was still something he neglected more often than he should have). She went back to the apartment, put everything away, and then walked to the kitchen window, ready to climb out and disappear again.

Something was stopping her. Jade took the card out of her satchel and looked at the picture again. She let out a slow, trembling breath, then walked into Lian's room and sat down in the rocking chair to wait.

About an hour later she heard a key turning in the front lock. With a grimace, Jade stood up and walked to the living room. "You know, Harper, your security system is atrocious. Do you really only rely on conventional locks?"

Roy gaped at her from the doorway and dropped his keys. "You're still here?"

Jade crossed her arms over her chest. "It appears so."

"Sorry, I just…you never stay. I figured you'd take off again." Roy bent down and picked up his keys. "If I'd known you were going to stay, um…one of my friends has Lian tonight. I'm sorry, Jade."

"Can you retrieve her?"

"I'm leaving at five am for an away mission." He locked the door back up, and remained facing away from her a bit longer than was strictly necessary. "I can't, um, she's watching Lian for me while I'm gone. If I get her now, it throws her whole routine and she's potty training. Routine's important."

"She's already potty training?" Jade asked. "I saw the plastic miniature toilet in the bathroom, but I figured you were just getting ready. Is she old enough to potty train?"

"She's on the young side, but I guess little girls learn this quicker than little boys." Roy smiled self-consciously and ran a hand through his hair. "She's really smart, Jade. She's already saying a lot of words, and she knows her alphabet, and she can count to twenty five. She's going to blow the doors off the other kids in preschool."

Roy made eye contact momentarily, a slightly giddy smile on his face as a result of bragging about his child's achievements. Then he walked past her, heading for the kitchen. "I'm guessing you went shopping again, right?"

She followed after him. "Mm hm."

"Good, so I'm restocked on that awesome tea you always get. Where do you get that stuff anyway?" Roy set a couple of mugs on the counter, grabbed his kettle, and went to fill it from the sink.

"Kyoto."

"Figures. Oh well, I really like it. I assume you want some too or…um…did you want to stay and chat, or was that only if Lian was here?"

It was surprising, how unsure of himself he was behaving. She couldn't help but contrast this new, jumpier Harper to the cocky undercover agent who'd shamelessly flirted with her a little over a year ago. Either he'd learned more about her since they'd last met in person, or fatherhood was maturing him.

Oh who was she kidding; he probably just realized how many different ways she could kill him if she wanted to.

Jade sat down at the table, and when the tea was finished she accepted her mug. "So…how long has the potty training actually been going on?"

"Two pee soaked weeks," Roy answered. He sat down across from her and sipped his tea. "She's really got it, except at night."

"I did notice an unusual amount of sheets and blankets in the laundry."

"Yep. So…how goes the assassination business?"

Jade leaned over the table on her elbows. "If I tell you, you'll just want to turn me in."

"Profitable then?"

"Very."

"Ah. Then I feel less bad about mooching fancy Japanese tea from you." He took a slow sip and let out an indulgent 'mmm'.

Well that was a touch more familiar.

"I picked up some new dresses for her while I was on business abroad and left them in her dresser," Jade continued, doing her best to ignore the sultry way he was watching her. "I also left you some classical music CDs and some flashcards. I know it's a little early for the flashcards, and that the study about classical music making children more intelligent hasn't been replicated, but I still think it would be a good habit for her-really Roy, would you stop looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

Jade narrowed her eyes. "You're terrible at faking innocence."

"Eh. You were looking at my butt when I dropped my keys."

"I was not!" Jade yelped. Roy smirked in satisfaction at having gotten her to break her icy façade, and Jade glared all the harder. "I can't believe I ever found you attractive. You're infuriating."

"I think you like being pushed."

She held up her nails. "Keep pushing and see."

Roy pretended to consider. "You know, if they're not dipped in poison, dragging those down my back might actually be a good time. Little kinky, actually. You're welcome to try it."

Jade let out a defeated sigh and rubbed at her eyes. "Not only are you infuriating, you're exhausting. Can we please just talk about our daughter?"

"Okay, fine. So what else do you want to know?"

Jade considered maintaining her usual cold veneer, but after a long moment she let it drop and admitted the truth. "Anything you'll tell me. I…I know I'm missing a lot."

Roy's face fell, and the sympathy expressed in his stunning green eyes reminded her why she'd once developed feelings for him. "Yeah, you are. You know…you don't have to. I mean, when I'm not actively suiting up to go fight you…I don't care if you visit. I mean, keep it on the DL; I don't think the other heroes would get it. But, y'know, you've been creeping in here when I'm not home. You can come in every now and then when we're here too."

"The DL?" Jade asked, confused by the colloquialism.

"Down low. Use your ninja stealth and keep the Teen Titans from noticing so I don't get a shit storm from my friends. Seriously, Jade, if you alienate _all_ of my potential babysitters in one go then we're definitely finished."

Jade came alarmingly close to laughing. "We've been finished for some time."

"I know…you ever have any regrets about that?"

"No," Jade snapped, before her thoughts could linger on the subject. "And you shouldn't either. This was the only possible outcome."

"I guess." Roy sighed.

"Thank you for the card. That was sweet of you."

"I tried to get her to draw you a picture, but she kept throwing the crayons. Maybe in another month."

Jade mentally went through the fortress she was living in and tried to think of a good place to hang a child's artwork. "I don't think I have anywhere to put such a drawing."

"Do you have a fridge?"

"Of course I have a…"

Roy motioned towards his own, which was covered with candid photographs of Lian (and a few of him holding her) held in place by alphabet magnets. "I'm going to put mine there, and then a few in the hallway and the living room."

"Right. Thank you for the suggestion."

"No problem."

Roy indulged her with a few anecdotes about Lian while they finished their tea, and when he went to rinse their empty mugs in the sink Jade secured her satchel over her shoulder and started for the kitchen window. Roy quirked an eyebrow. "If you're taking off, you're more than welcome to use the front door."

She paused, and smirked at the ridiculousness of the ingrained habit. "Right. Will you walk me out? That way you can re-secure your easily broken bolt lock after I've left."

"I have a secret identity."

"And one supervillain already figured it out," Jade teased.

Roy rolled his eyes. "I'll talk to the League and see if they can hook us up with something, if it'll make you sleep easier at night. But won't you have a harder time getting in here?"

Jade glanced at the front door and tried to imagine it with the futuristic technology the League possessed. "We'll have to find that out when we get there. I still want you to do it. The whole point in losing Lian to you was to keep her safe."

Suddenly he was standing much closer to her than she wanted. This close, she could smell his skin and sweat and musk, and her only associations for that _maleness_ were tied to the bedroom. The lust for the father, at least, was easier to will away than the emotional attachments to the daughter, and after a moment Jade faced him composed.

"Jade…if you want to be involved in her life…"

"Darling, we both know that's not a sound idea. I'm not willing to make those kinds of changes, and I want her to have a happy and fulfilling childhood." She wanted Lian to have as perfect a childhood as possible; nothing like the hell she'd experienced.

"I guess…sucks though."

She certainly agreed with the sentiment. "Good night, Roy."

"Night."

They came worryingly close to a goodnight kiss, but at the last second Jade ducked her head and darted out the door.

She was still thinking about him (_him_ and not merely as Lian's caregiver) when she got back to her safehouse. She thought a long, luxuriant bath might help her recover from the assault of unpleasant, conflicting emotions, and as indulging herself usually made her feel better, Jade went for it.

And then she ended up masturbating while thinking about Roy.

Damn.

She was going to need to spend more time in seclusion working on these damn vulnerable attachments. And clearly she was never to set foot in that apartment while Harper was home ever again.


End file.
